


In Which Maul and Dooku Really Should Have Read the Fine Print When They Turned to the Dark Side

by Redlala



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Original Trilogy, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy
Genre: Anakin Skywalker’s drama induced dissociative identity disorder, Darth Vader's A+ parenting, F/M, Gen, Human Disaster Anakin Skywalker, Human Disaster Obi-Wan Kenobi, Just two platonic bros who want to stare into each other’s eyes until the stars burn out, M/M, Maul died because that’s how science works, Sith Shenanigans (Star Wars), Stardust AU, That’s Not How the Force Works, The awkward consequences of Obi wan’s casual relationship with the truth, and like make out and stuff, but it is how Skywalkers work, gosh why does everyone always make it weird
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-22
Updated: 2020-06-22
Packaged: 2021-03-03 22:40:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,146
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24853234
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Redlala/pseuds/Redlala
Summary: Maul and Dooku are very, very, sorry or the Stardust AUAlso what Obi wan’s ghost was up to instead of being helpful
Relationships: Darth Maul & Dooku & Anakin Skywalker, Luke Skywalker & Darth Vader, Obi-Wan Kenobi/Anakin Skywalker, Padmé Amidala/Anakin Skywalker
Comments: 7
Kudos: 70





	In Which Maul and Dooku Really Should Have Read the Fine Print When They Turned to the Dark Side

**Author's Note:**

> So glad you are here! Did you click on this story thinking to yourself OMG Anakin is going to be a star and he and Obi wan are going to fall in love helped along by Padme the fearsome Captain Shakespeare and battle evil sith/witches! Are you just ecstatic for the end when the Narrator says: 
> 
> “They ruled for 80 years. But no man can live forever, except he who possesses the heart of a star, and ~Yvaine~Anakin had given ~hers~his to ~Tristan~ Obi wan completely. When their children and grandchildren were grown, it was time to light the Babylon Candle. And they still live happily ever after.” 
> 
> Well sorry because that is not this fic, but someone should definitely write that (or make Padme Tristan and Obi wan Captain Shakespeare). What am I posting a prompt instead of an author’s note? No. Stop. I would never! I definitely did. 
> 
> *Also if this was not your first reaction because you have not read or seen Stardust go take care of that because you deserve something nice* There really is a whole subplot where when a ruler dies the heirs fight to the death to be the next ruler and the ghosts of the failures hangout and comment in the form they died in until someone wins.
> 
> I got some feedback the some sections of dialog were a little hard to navigate so I tweaked them a bit so hopefully that is no longer an issue. Also if it helps, once Dooku shows up he and Maul alternate pov in sections.

The first inkling that he had made a terrible mistake when agreeing to follow a creepy old guy in a robe was when Maul felt Kenobi’s lightsaber cut him in half. No amount of the ‘untold powers’ Sidious promised him were going to fix being dead and falling down a radiator shaft. What kind of ridiculous workplace safety violation was that anyway? Maul was surprised the Naboo Monarchy hadn’t gone bankrupt due to personal injury lawsuits. It’s a guard rail not rocket science. The second was that while the imbecilic construction choices of the Naboo were blatantly obvious, he shouldn’t be able to contemplate them, what with being dead and all. See above point about Kenobi. The third and by far most alarming was that he appeared to be some kind of ghost, although even in ghost form he still appeared to be in two pieces. What kind of ridiculous over achiever was Kenobi anyway? He tried to leave because anyone who has ever seen the holonet knows that passing through walls is a thing ghosts do. It proved awkward (How does one manage bisected incorporeal legs?) and unsuccessful. Subjugating the galaxy to his whims was starting to look a whole lot more like haunting a deep pit. Shit.

\-----

Sith are apparently all about providing complete and straightforward answers to your questions (he will learn in about thirty years that Jedi say a bunch of cryptic nonsense) they just wait until it is too late to for you to save yourself. How else are they supposed to gloat about how royally you screwed yourself? Sith are dicks! Now Darth Maul is doomed to spend however long it takes one of Sidious’ apprentices to kill him and become the next master haunting his replacements in the form he died in. He knows this because another creepy old guy in a robe popped up, introduced himself as Darth Bane and told him all about the curse he created to really stick it to the apprentices that tried and failed to murder him. The Sith really do have a terrible management style. He wishes Bane would fuck off. I mean he may be spending eternity in a pit but even he does not have time for this melodramatic monologuing. 

\------

Things Darth Maul Lord of the Sith (Haunter of the pit) Hates

1\. Darth Bane  
2\. Obi wan Kenobi  
3\. Pits  
4\. Dudes in capes with the promise of unknown powers  
5\. Obi wan Kenobi 

\------

He gets out of the Pit eventually. Sidious is now the Chancellor and waging war. The new apprentice apparently joined up because Maul killed their student. That makes sense. Not. Instead of being useful (killing Sidious) he keeps getting in fights with a couple of ridiculous drama queens, wait is that Kenobi! Well this apprentice may not be useless after all if he kills Kenobi. And nope they’re getting away. Again. 

\------

That second-rate embarrassment of a Jedi just murdered him! Him! How dare his master betray him for that upstart two-bit trollup. He has no hands and his head is resting in his lap. How unseemly. 

“So, you probably have some questions”

He lifts his hand to wave off whatever minion would dare interrupt his internal review of grievances, only to be reminded of the aforementioned lack of hands. Sithspit!

“Suppose I design to listen to whatever drivel this is”  
“Save the holier than thou bullshit for someone who cares, oh wait I’m the only one you will be talking to in the foreseeable future so shut up and let me explain.”  
“You’re dead. Where am I? Are those your legs leaning on the wall next to you? What the blazes is going on?”  
“Real genius, aren’t you? I call it the Pit of Irresponsible Design or just the Pit. And rude. I didn’t ask why you decided to store your head in your lap did I?”  
“How dare you! I am Darth Tyranus Lord of the”  
“Sith. I know. Failed apprentice of Darth Sidious. Well congratulation. You followed an evil creep in a bath robe and now you, me and any other future failed apprentices are stuck this way until one of them succeeds in killing him.”  
“You must be mistaken. I”  
“Look Darth Bane decided there must always be two Sith. One to embody power…”  
“Yes, yes and one to crave it. I know”  
“Well you were the craver and good old Bane decided to really mess with anyone who tried to usurp him and fail. And because he was a special kind of vindictive asshole, he decided to punish all future failed apprentices not just his own.”  
“That seems excessive” 

\------

Things Darth Tyranus Lord of the Sith (And Count! Force, where is the respect?) Hates

1\. Anakin Skywalker  
2\. Double-crossing Masters  
3\. Everyone (Except maybe Obi wan Kenobi)  
4\. The Jedi Order and Senate  
5\. The Youths (Dooku is unsure who they are but is positive they are responsible for this)

\------

He had just finished catching Dooku up on the whole stuck haunting the next apprentice in the form you died in thing, when they were brought back from the pit. He has a second to appreciate that Sidious has used the same line on every apprentice before….

“….”  
“That escalated quick….Oh he’s not done”  
“What? That doesn’t…”  
“Did he?”  
“Yep. Just wow ummmm”  
“This is a pretty badass fight”  
“Well that’s it. He wouldn’t”  
“He did!”

Then all of a sudden, the smoking blob that was once Anakin Skywalker appears next to him and Dooku. He and Dooku make eye contact, look at the offending blob, look at the still temper tantruming Vader (how long can someone scream no for? Honestly), and then back at each other. Sidious may have been a lousy teacher that told him next to nothing, but even he is pretty sure this isn’t how the Force works.

\------

Things Anakin Skywalker (Tragic victim of circumstance and best pilot in the galaxy) Hates

1\. Sand  
2\. Being alone  
3\. Being alone in sand  
4.  
5\. BETRAYAL

\------

Maul spends the next 18 years becoming more and more desperate to go back in time and turn down Sidious’ offer.

\------

“It’s Obi wan! He’s come for me! I always knew he would. Guys, it’s Obi wan. I don’t have to be alone anymore.”  
“We are right here. You haven’t been alone for 18 years. There is a literal Sith curse that prevents you from being alone!”  
“Well it hasn’t felt that way! Neither of you is very supportive.”  
“You murdered me”  
“See this is what I’m talking about”

The thing is his great grand padawan had grown on him over the years, like some kind of psychedelic mold which gives the illusion of a good time as it slowly kills you. Oh Force, he needs to get out of here. He’s lost his mind. Dooku doesn’t think Obi wan came to move in or join the Dark Side but Anakin is doing the thing with his eyes where they triple in size and is looking all bright and hopeful. Well as much as a burnt limbless blob can look. Maul must also realize Obi wan is not here to fall into Vader’s reconstructed arms because his face is a weird combination of rage and pity. He opens his mouth, no doubt to burst Anakin’s bubble but then Anakin turns those pitiful creature eyes on him.

“Kenobi is a…. Er yeah bet he’s here for that”  
“You really think so?”  
“Ah…sure?”

He and Maul then have an intense eye contact fight about feeding into Anakin’s delusions where he points out Anakin is a Dark Lord of the Sith and not a child, Maul counters with intense skepticism, he points out coddling Anakin isn’t going to soften the inevitable blow of Kenobi’s imminent abandonment, and Maul wins by saying you do it then. He looks over at Anakin sparkling with happiness or maybe ash and.… feeding into the delusions it is. 

\-----

Well that was short lived Maul thinks. This is quickly followed by disgust at the most pathetic lightsaber fight he has ever seen. Are they really too codependent to murder each other? Or would that be suicide? Honestly this is the worst fight ever. The last one filled with passionate betrayal was way better. Anakin still looks like he thinks this will work out, the poor idiot. And well, it looks the combined powers of Kenobi’s need to lecture and Anakin’s pathological inability to listen are enough to overwhelm even their codependent relationship. Huh, well that’s new. Kenobi disappeared. And Reappeared here. No, no, no, no!

“Obi wan!”  
“Dear one! I…”  
“I don’t want you to see me like this” 

A charred bit of Anakin’s face breaks off in Obi wan’s hands, which doesn’t make any sense because he is a ghost. THAT IS NOT HOW THE FORCE WORKS! 

“Oh, this is all my fault. I’m so sorry! I never meant”  
“No Obi wan! I just killed you. I’m sorry! I should have listened to you”

Oh force, he hates both of them so much! He is going to throw up in his mouth. Can Sith ghosts do that? 

“Well yes dear one, you really should have”  
“Oh, so now everything is my fault!? You left me unattended! What was I supposed to do?”  
“I don’t know maybe wait more than a couple of days before betraying everything I taught you, toppling the government, and killing everyone we know!”  
“I did it to save Padme”  
“Good job”

Gross sobbing

\------

Apparently, the cure to the fungal infection that is Anakin Skywalker is seeing him with Obi wan Kenobi. Dooku allows himself a moment to appreciate this return to sanity. The boy is an absolute menace. This sobbing dumpster fire is what Sidious wanted to replace him with? 

“Anakin”  
“Master!”

The affronting blob hurls himself at Obi wan. And. Wraps. His. Arms. Around. Him. Let him get this straight. He Lord Tyranus, fearsome Sith Lord, famed Jedi Master, epic swordsman, researcher of the mysteries of the Force has to spend the rest of his existence as a side show horror with his head in his lap and no hands and this oblivious fool wanted a hug and now has his youthful body back! 

“Oh Anakin. I’m just an old fool”  
“Not to me Obi wan. Never to me”

Oh, and now Kenobi does too? This will not stand!

“So… who was the blond kid?”  
“Huh, I don’t know what you’re talking about”  
“Did you get a new apprentice.? He’s kind of short. I bet he sucks at using the Force.”  
“Who?”  
"Do you like him more than me? I don’t care. It’s fine. I’M FINE!”  
“You don’t sound fine”

Internal screaming

\-----

“LUKE SKYWALKER! The pilot who destroyed the Death Star was Luke Skywalker! Something slip your mind Obi wan? Was there something you have been meaning to tell me?!”  
“Well the thing is, it is rather complicated”  
“You stole my son and hid him from me”  
“So not actually that complicated”  
“Why doesn’t he know who I am? Where does he think I am?”

~Indistinct mumbling~ 

“You told him I was dead!”  
“For the record, I would like to point out that you are currently haunting yourself Anakin. So, is it really a lie?”  
“Stop changing the subject Obi wan! This isn’t about my self-loathing; this is about how you won’t stop LYING!”  
“From a certain point of view, the truth is”  
“No, truth is when you say ‘I cannot live without this person’ and then you don’t!”  
“That’s just being dramatic”  
“How could you say that to me? I have never in my life done anything solely for the drama”

This is apparently too much for Dooku to resist bringing up, “What about that time you turned off your respirator to make an entrance?” 

Well if Dooku wants to bring up some of the greatest hits of Darth Spectacle, Maul refuses to be left out, “Or choking that officer to prove the force exists” drama 

“’I find your lack of faith disturbing’ was an admittedly great line. Worthy of our lineage” Oh high praise from Dooku

“Oh, you guys are still here” Seriously Anakin!

“Yes! We’ve been here the whole time! Bound by a Sith curse to apparently listen to your relationship problems as penance for trying to enslave the Galaxy” Dooku really is in a snit. 

“I miss the pit” He is sorry alright. He is truly, truly sorry. Maul is pretty sure that both he and Dooku would do just about anything at this point for the whole ‘there is no death, there is only the Force,’ to have been a placating lie. Who knew the Jedi were as petty as the Sith when it came to karma?

“Well at least it is all out in the open now. Secrets destroyed us before Obi wan, but that was then. We can have a fresh start. I’m just so glad we can finally be honest with each other. I hate lying”  
“Isn’t it fantastic”

Neither he nor Dooku misses the awkward face Kenobi is making. 

\------

“Apology accepted, Captain Needa”  
“Force, Why are you like this?”  
“Badass?”  
“Psychopathic”  
“Uh oh! Master’s gonna scold me”  
“Still here!”  
“Stop your weird flirting!”

\-----

“You told him I murdered his FATHER?!”  
“You just cut off your son’s hand! How am I the bad guy?”

\-----

“hmmm lost your head have you? He he. Have your hands full perhaps? He he”  
“Always so witty my former master. Glad we can finally see eye to eye” 

Fucking Troll. He isn’t sorry anymore. Forget the Jedi they deserved everything they got. Before he can deliver a devastating follow up highlight his teachers utter failure, Skywalker and Kenobi cut in continuing the ridiculous couple fight they have been having since Vader received the Hoth infirmary footage. Force forbid the Disaster Duo cease being the center of attention for one moment. 

“I finally get why you are being so weird about this!”  
“I really don’t think you do”  
“I married a queen. Luke kissed a princess” 

Interesting his former master is looking decidedly ill and shooting Kenobi a very nasty and concerned look. Wait. He had thought the princess looked familiar.

“The princess declared her love for Solo! We were all there”  
“Yeah and now he is an oversized paper weight. See it just took me a second to get into the grove of this whole parenting thing”  
“Anakin that is not good parenting”  
“Shhhhhhh…..Obi wan. Just because the Skywalker boys have a thing for brunette royalty…” 

No. It couldn’t be! Surely, not! They would have told them. Right?! Oh Force, did someone tell them? Maul is now looking positively gleeful, and disturbed, but mostly gleeful. He looks back at Yoda and the little troll appears shiftier than Dooku’s ever seen him. Could they really have stolen Skywalker’s kids and bungled it up so badly that they…? Oh Force, was it only the once? 

“Master Yoda!” he can’t help but choke   
“Hmm Force is calling. Got to go have I” 

“….So you see Obi wan there is no reason to feel insecure.”  
“I’m not feeling insecure!”  
“This is never going to work if you can’t be honest with your emotions Obi wan!”

“Far away. Hmm, yes. Very far”

\------

So, Vader’s waiting for his kid on some evil teddy bear planet as part of an over the top showdown between good and evil orchestrated by Sidious. This isn’t going to end well. Even Dooku is looking concerned, well, more emotionally constipated than usual. Kenobi and Anakin are whispering back and forth. Talking at a normal volume and clutching each other. Force he and Dooku are STILL HERE! On a side note why is Kenobi still here? Shouldn’t he be doing the thing where he slips off for a couple of hours looking like a fossil to lie to/train Luke? Is this kid getting any help? The troll didn’t seem much better than Kenobi. Destiny is all well and good, but this seems like a whole new level of Laissez-faire teaching. What happens to them if Sidious dies of old age?

“Oh-bur. BE SILENT. Oh-bur. I need to think. Oh-bur.” 

Huh! What! Huh! Vader can hear them?! But that isn’t how it works. Everyone else looks just as confused, except Anakin who is currently burrowing into Kenobi’s neck, disgusting. Bane explicitly said no one would be able to hear them, including the current or future apprentices. The Sith are such dicks. 

“Vader can hear them?!” His brain is shorting out

“You said we were stuck this way forever! You said no one could hear us! You said you would have warned me! Of course, you lied! Deception is the way of the Sith. You need someone to break the curse!” Stop your bleating Dooku. He needs to think.

“Vader can hear them!”

“Darth…I” And Obi wan is melting down too

“Why is everyone freaking out?” 

He might be hysterical, but of course it doesn’t faze Anakin! Why would the laws of the universe apply to Anakin! Is his whole un-life a lie? “Vader can…”

“Oh-bur. Yes. Oh-bur. Vader can hear you! Oh-bur.”

“But Darth Bane” He wants his pit. WTF! WTF! WTF!

“Why haven’t you said anything” Dooku sounds pissed

“Why wouldn’t he be able to hear us?”

“Oh Force. Darth” Hmmmmm…. Is Kenobi in an accidental threesome with Anakin’s multiple personalities? Does that count as cheating? Oh, he is definitely losing it, if he’s become invested in their soap opera of a relationship. 

“Oh-bur. Of course, I can. Oh-bur. I’m the Force given form. Oh-bur. The Chosen One. Oh-bur. Who has chosen to ignore you three. Oh-bur.”

“Three! Oh, real mature Darth” Wait can Vader only hear Sith ghosts and not Kenobi? Never mind he can feel the smug satisfaction wafting off him. Vader is just being passive aggressive. 

“We could have helped defeat Sidious!” And Dooku is really not letting this go

“Oh-bur. I’ve had to survive without the advice of Darth Spikes, Darth Prancing, and Darth Crybaby. Oh-bur. Shocking how I’ve managed. Oh-bur. Shocking. Oh-bur.”

“I don’t prance!” Wow. Anakin is kind of a masterpiece when you think about. I mean he has no connection to reality. To be fair he uses Kenobi as his compass and he is starting to believe Kenobi is allergic to the truth. 

“That one wasn’t you dear one”  
“Which other one would I be Obi wan?”  
“….”  
“….”  
“…. Oh look, there’s Luke!”

The last thing he hears before the sweet, sweet release of oblivion is

“Oh Force, I tortured my own daughter. Wait. You let Luke make out with his SISTER!!!”  
“Well it’s complicated”

\------

Epilogue 

What’s going on? Why is he back in his body? Why is Maul here? In pieces…

“Well young Solo the dark side of the force is a pathway to many abilities, some considered to be unnatural”

No! No! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**Author's Note:**

> Shoot me a comment if you liked it or to let me know if I need to correct errors or if you are writing the real Stardust AU we all deserve! If you hated it sorry (I am not sorry), but way to make it through almost 3,000 words only to be disappointed it never got better. Finally if you caught the Buffy reference awesome!


End file.
